Carpe Noctum

I have been put up for a few more jobs! and also have been contacted for a position nearby as well. So life is going well in that way. I am alos pursuing two dream job areas one is in publishing I am putting myself up for internships (Paid) for as many publishing houses as I can find, and applying for all the vacancies I can in that area as well. I am also looking at the justice field. I am not a lawyer, I have no interest in being one either. I am more than happy in supporting that role in what ever way I can within abilities and within moral and legal frameworks (yes, yes, a rather formal language, but it's best to be on record.)

I have an interview workshop tomorrow and  I am hoping I am not going to bump into a woman I had to deal with at part 1. She was rude to the point of urgh. She kept interupting the leader, then she talked about what she thought was important and also her personal life and I was all, under my breath, "Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up ... I am going to kill you" an hour workshop ended up and hour and a half because of the bitch! Lets hope I can get a lot out of this.

 So there is a support group that I have joined that seems incredibly friendly, in fact from the time I put up a profile I have had four welcomes and two friendings - and 1 of the welcomes was from the sites founder - which was awesome since the site is one of like 20 for rare conditions! 

They have a blog thing there and I am going to blog specific TN stuff there. I will mention it here, but no one really wants to know that I feel like someone is chainsawing their way through my face. No one wants to read that.

But I thought I would share my initial blog post from there to here;

Who Am I? A quick introduction.

Hi, my name is Angela (though my friends call me Angel and you guys an too!), I am a 29 year old grad of psychology and English. I live in London UK. I love singing, acting, and have a major dream of being a writer. I have a boyfriend of 2.5 years a perpetually asleep cat named Brandy, who is the inheritance from the passing of my parents, I have no biological siblings - but my best friend has been non-legally binding adopted by me as my sister.

I believe in disabled, women's, and homeless people's rights. I am that annoying person in a queue who will start up a conversation, and for some reason I am an open book. As a kid I wanted to be a spaceman (shoot for the stars, huh?) and an actress. I am still finding myself out and what I want from to give to the world. I also suffer TN - and the past week of assimilating that concept has been miserable.

And how did I wind up here, at this place in my life?

Last weekend I had an attack that lasted all weekend and the idea of that happening this weekend scares the pants off of me to be frank. My long-term boyfriend is away and the idea of the pain coming back scares me.

I was diagnosed last weekend. I screamed most of the weekend. Was given opiate based painkillers to deal with the pain - and they never even put a dent in it. The more I was scared and anxious because of the pain, the more the pain came. If I was in the cold, the pain eased off, as soon as I sat on a bus or went home the pain was agony. I thought I was going to go insane - and to a degree I did. I started contemplating an end to it all, I didn't see the pain ever leaving, or even reducing down.

Right now I have a deep ache in my cheek and a feeling of inflamed gums and an ache-y jaw. I hate to think what the feeling would be without the Carbamazepine that I am on - though I think the dosage will likely be upped.

My biggest issue asides from the pain, is my local GP , who is only to happy to have me on the meds and threw out a second prescription, but when I asked for a referral to a face pain specialist, I was told it could wait and that the meds were going to "Cure" me. I am going to have to change doctor to be taken seriously.

This is ridiculous! I know there are people out there who are drug seeking, but they tend to be limited to taking opiate based drugs and if that is what my doctor is suspecting with me - he is going to have an interesting shock, the only thing that has worked is the Carbamazepine, and I would like to see how someone could get addicted to these side effects.

I never asked for this, no one ever has. I am 29 - I have kids in my future, I have a career in my future - just like everyone else does here. How do I incorporate this? How do I even get through a job interview when I get majorly distracted, blank minded and just spaz out?

How do I learn to keep calm and lose my anxious side, which seems to make this worse?

And is it ok to use this blog to talk about the TN - my journey and also as a therapeutic device - talking about it seems to reduce the stress levels. I am also starting to feel like I am among friends and people who know what I am talking about here.

Take care of yourselves,

Angel

xxx

Today I spent a lot of time soul searching. Which, for the most part is what I have been doing for the past few months. Today was a lot more concerted.

I have finally worked out the sectors that interest me;

• Admin, business, clerical and management
• Social work and related - specialising in disability/women and children and Homelessness and mental health
• Information Technology
• Media
• Business
• Human resources 
• Publishing

( Read more... )

So all in all, I have a lot more focus - a lot more direction and a lot more research and information to pick up some actual job apps and perhaps contacts. I feel a lot more confident about everything from a career in Business to a career in Writing (which has been a dream since I was 15 - It will happen)

For those of you who do not know, I am DYSLEXIC and DYSCALCULIC, the first educational difficulty (sometimes described as a disability) is probably quite familiar to all reading. For those however who are not familiar with the issue, it is simply an issue with signs and symbols associated with the formation and recognition of language. 

I have had DYSLEXIA for a long time, probably my entire life, my mother was not keen on having me diagnosed (though lord knows I could have done with it) for fear of discrimination. I was finally diagnosed 7 months after her passing. It was a relief to finally know why I had difficulties with certain things in my life, and why reading was a slow process. I do however love reading and by proxy writing.

DYSCALCULIA on the flip side is the bane of my life. It is quite simply the same as DYSLEXIA but with regards for numerical systems - explains my math scores. I am quite frankly shocking.

So why am I talking and telling you guys about my educational difficulties (disabilities), well quite simply because I am annoyed/irritated/pissed of in the extreme. 

At the desk at which I am sat are a bunch of books left by the previous user of the desk - I am at a library, trying to write - on disability, sociology and the role of social workers in disability. I have spent my life surrounded by disability, both physical and educational, so I pick up one of the smaller text books. 

I flick through it, agreeing that the role of society does have a significant impact in the way disabled people view themselves. I believe that eternal labels (i.e. labels placed on people by others and not descriptors of themselves produce behaviours and limitations that are not necessarily concomitant with the disorder/disability/difficulty at all.) So participially I agree with this book. But by the time I reach through the end of the text book I am singularly frustrated by its limited scope.

What was the limited scope?

Quite simply it described physical, surface level medicalized  disorders. This is defeating the point of the book, because its principal argument has not only been shown to be evident in its authors, but a prejudice and singular understanding of disability has been presented/taught to the reader.

Disabilities/difficulties/disorders are a much more far reaching in the scope than just physical limitations.

My single problem is the fact that this sociology book is reinforcing the stereotype of "Disability is only what is seen". This is not only incorrect, but highly damaging. Those with what is considered 'hidden disabilities' fight harder for their rights than those with something highly visible (I am in no way meaning to belittle the stereotypically disabled persons fight for rights/acceptance/basic living conditions etc. or to say that they have it easy, they don't. It just happens that it is visible and unarguably present)

Why do we have to fight harder for our rights?

Because, simply, they are invisible, they aren't resultant in some terrible calamity or unfortunate circumstance of birth. They are there and there is not a reason as to why. We just have to get on with it, all the while listening to any one who sees us struggling belittle our efforts.

Belittle? How?

Simply put most of my life I have been told I am stupid, lazy, pathetic, worthless, a daydreamer (okay so that one may be true), an ignorant wretch, and that I was never going anywhere because I just hadn't the intelligence to learn certain things or make anything of myself.

Well as a part of my dyslexia screening I was given an IQ test and barring the fact that my maths and numerical skills are deeply flawed as is my short-term memory, my IQ came out at 124. The average is 97 to 107. Stupid? I think not!

So again the invisible disability is ignored, and those struggling are labelled as anything but what they are, denying them any access to help and support.

So what does this have to do with the book?

By ignoring the invisible disability, to which many hundreds of thousands cope with on a daily basis, this book has swept them back under the carpet, validated the thinking of the idea that it is fakery and negated a large and significant part of the population. As this is a text book that states that it is "Based on the social rather than the medical model of disability" and "Engages health professionals in critical reflection on the provision of services to disabled people" and is meant to guide future health care professionals, of which psychology - a healthcare profession primarily concerned with the internal disorders, and understanding, of the mind - it relegates disability to only the physical, and therefore allows a social opinion and boxing of only physical disability being life impairing and significant.

I am angry. Dyslexia/Dycalculia is just as significant to me, I too need some understanding. I worry when our healthcare professionals are being taught only in the visual or medical realms of disability, when disability is far more encompassing than a narrow definition that this book gave it.

I now have a new ship Racetrack/Helo - good gods where does that even come from? My original was and always be Helo/Sharon, 2nd is Kara/Lee - though it is the one I write third is even Zak/Kara (and that has to really be pre- mini for me) But a non canonical no tip of the hat to pairing WTF x1000


Other than that Sunday is a thoroughly boring day when it is superbowl sunday :(

 I am telling you now they are only reduced and cropped there is nothing fancy here

                      


                        



I know there is a lot of Jamie Bamber here, but he is eminently fanciable so :P


And because I am sick - and I did find this paint!sex scene beyond the motherfrakking hot. (I also have a thing for Callum Keith Rennie - have done since Due South *Purrs*)




I will be doing some for my other fandoms - at some point!

No I am not all stabbity. I figured that was something that would be worth stating right now. But yeah, I had an issue this week, and it bleed everywhere. My boyfriend, who seriously makes the tedium of unemployment bearable, had to traipse off to Dundee, in gloriously fucked up and freezing Scotland. So on Sunday I said farewell and that day I was ok. But Monday and Tuesday were hell on Earth. I got a few texts and a couple 30 second chats before he went to bed, but nothing else. And suddenly I felt alone. Added to this trying to enter any conversations with any friends over the last couple of days has not been fun - mostly cause very few people responded to me. My sense of isolation and loneliness went sky high and well everyone got to see me losing the plot on twitter. Which has me worried - I thought I was a little more stable and durable than this.

In Other News

So everyone knows my state of employment or not, a couple of things are happening for me in that regards so lets bullet point and try to explain them a little.

• I have been referred to a company called Ingeus - A company that helps people get back into work. They seem to be a great place, and I did walk out really optimistic that they would cover the things I needed that the government have overlooked completely. They seem good, I hope that the next six months are high yield in terms of opportunities.
• I am going to be starting a training course in Business Administration - this is important because at least now I can have a steady progression and not face the rest of my life is pathetic dead end jobs.

Hopefully these two things will mean that I can start looking at things like entry level career jobs (the kind everyone seems so invested in) What is a career anyway? Is it staying in one field for the rest of my life or is it different jobs with a thread between them? I give up trying to define anything. 

I swear I am not band wagoneering - though perhaps I am? A good friend nazkey (who I am now afraid of because I mispronounced her name, I just know I have) did this voice meme and it sounded like fun and well hello heard of lemmings, may I too follow you over the edge of a cliff!

So here is what I sound like - for once I have listened to this twice and loved the way I sounded - perhaps this is me getting older! Oh and the huffs and puffs are me a remembering to breath (so important I do find) and also trying to stop the giggles from appearing!

soundcloud.com/angelicalangie/vn00002-20110129-0113 - Me speaking (I had to record it on my blackberry cause my computer hated me and then convert and send back to computer yeah headache-y) so YEp I apologise for the quality!

the bits I had to do

Username:

Where are you from?

Read these words: aunt, roof, wash, oil, theater, iron, salmon, caramel, fire, water, sure, data, ruin, crayon, toilet, New Orleans, route, pecan, both, again, probably, spitting image, Alabama, lawyer, coupon, mayonnaise, syrup, pajamas, caught, orange, coffee, direction, naturally, aluminum, and herbs.

(Eruthros's additions: really, bowie knife, handkerchief, poem, creek, Florida, and basil )

What is your generic term for a sweetened carbonated beverage?
What do you call shoes you wear to play sports?
What is the bug that, when you touch it, curls into a ball?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call the insect that flies around in the summer and has a rear section that glows in the dark?
What do you call the big clumps of dust that gather under furniture and in corners?
What is your general term for a big road that you drive relatively fast on?
What do you say to address a group of people?

Recite this passage:

Please call Stella. Ask her to bring these things with her from the store: Six spoons of fresh snow peas, five thick slabs of blue cheese, and maybe a snack for her brother Bob. We also need a small plastic snake and a big toy frog for the kids. She can scoop these things into three red bags, and we will go meet her Wednesday at the train station.



And now you can see what a verbose little thing I am!