Carpe Noctum

 So I did an interview an I thought I had tanked it. Nope, apparently I was successful and I am through to the second level. But, and there is always a but, I need to work on my confidence. So, yep I am trying to work that out. I have also been put forward for a second job - which seems interesting, though I have less than a lot to go on with it, other than the guy is looking for sales/customer service/marketing or promotions girls - well I fit two of those categories! I also took an interview workshop which really helps. Istead of giving experience as anecdotal stories - I will now have a stich, task, activity, response structure to all answers.

I other news what I thought was TJMD turns out to be a lot lot lot more serious - anyone who follows me on twitter knows I have spent MONTHS and MONTHS bitching about the level of pain I was in. Someday I was walking around with most of my face aching deeply in pulses and it sucks enough that you are taking ibuprofen. Then there were days where the ache gave way to electrical pulses that went up to my nose, my forehead, my jaws and pounded like ice shots through my teeth.

I would get this for an hour and then I would think pain killers had kicked in and it would go away. Things got worse about a month ago. I was getting those painful excruciating attacks every other day - and then they started prolonging in duration. hour to two hours.

Two weekends ago things came to head, the pain never left, It started on Friday night and it was terrible, I was crying and nothing would stop it. I began essentially overdosing on Ibuprofen and Paracetemol (tylenol for the North American's reading) in a bid to get some relief. I got none, and the same went for sleep. I broke about 6pm on Saturday - I was screaming and writhing. I was also beginning to day dream of either smashing my face against my bedpost ends (iron bedstead)or committing suicide. I was completely out of my fucking tree.

I saw a Emergency doctor - told him what I thought it were and he prescribed co-dydramol an opiate based painkiller with a tylenol add on analgesic. On top of that cocktail I was also given Diazepam as a muscle relaxer. I took them on the way home - must have looked like a drug addict, but I really could not care about appearances. I was in such a way that I didn't know what was really going on anymore. I didn't sleep Saturday. by 2pm Sunday I was nuts with the pain and I called the Emergency doctor and I was sobbing down the phone. I was told to come in ASAP and that his colleague would see me irrespective of who was appointed. I saw him and explained the issue and well, this gets covered in an entry HERE 

Well my miracle drugs have side effects. I can be a little spazzy and blank on things which I can live with, and it doesn't cover all the pain - I have a very minimal ache most of the time - i can live with that. The one thing I have really liked about these pills - tiny though they are is that I get a mood balance (Can I get a laugh) that makes me hyper and kinda perky (Like that girl in high school you always had a suspicion would one day snap - yep, that's me right now) Thing is, it was me, before the pain started 2 years ago - It's the me John fell in love with - I have focus and drive and passion again. I don't feel dead inside, I don't feel the dread I have that the pain will come. I am positive - and with all the support and the testimonials I have seen about TN I feel as thought I can have a career and kids and the life I really want!

And tomorrow is St. Patrick's - John has decided to go out with the lads and have a laugh. He is apparently goign to dress in his big paddy's day hat and his guiness T-shirt, cause  you know looking like a muppet does not faze my man (Good thing too, we have a daughter at any point, I know that she will dress him up in make up, and he will let her. Yes, I know what kind of daddy my man will make) So whilst my man is dressing up, I am heading to my besties (though in my heart she is my little sister) and we are drinking lime Cordial (All I could find that was Green) and eat cake! Sounds like a celebration to me!

 So there is a support group that I have joined that seems incredibly friendly, in fact from the time I put up a profile I have had four welcomes and two friendings - and 1 of the welcomes was from the sites founder - which was awesome since the site is one of like 20 for rare conditions! 

They have a blog thing there and I am going to blog specific TN stuff there. I will mention it here, but no one really wants to know that I feel like someone is chainsawing their way through my face. No one wants to read that.

But I thought I would share my initial blog post from there to here;

Who Am I? A quick introduction.

Hi, my name is Angela (though my friends call me Angel and you guys an too!), I am a 29 year old grad of psychology and English. I live in London UK. I love singing, acting, and have a major dream of being a writer. I have a boyfriend of 2.5 years a perpetually asleep cat named Brandy, who is the inheritance from the passing of my parents, I have no biological siblings - but my best friend has been non-legally binding adopted by me as my sister.

I believe in disabled, women's, and homeless people's rights. I am that annoying person in a queue who will start up a conversation, and for some reason I am an open book. As a kid I wanted to be a spaceman (shoot for the stars, huh?) and an actress. I am still finding myself out and what I want from to give to the world. I also suffer TN - and the past week of assimilating that concept has been miserable.

And how did I wind up here, at this place in my life?

Last weekend I had an attack that lasted all weekend and the idea of that happening this weekend scares the pants off of me to be frank. My long-term boyfriend is away and the idea of the pain coming back scares me.

I was diagnosed last weekend. I screamed most of the weekend. Was given opiate based painkillers to deal with the pain - and they never even put a dent in it. The more I was scared and anxious because of the pain, the more the pain came. If I was in the cold, the pain eased off, as soon as I sat on a bus or went home the pain was agony. I thought I was going to go insane - and to a degree I did. I started contemplating an end to it all, I didn't see the pain ever leaving, or even reducing down.

Right now I have a deep ache in my cheek and a feeling of inflamed gums and an ache-y jaw. I hate to think what the feeling would be without the Carbamazepine that I am on - though I think the dosage will likely be upped.

My biggest issue asides from the pain, is my local GP , who is only to happy to have me on the meds and threw out a second prescription, but when I asked for a referral to a face pain specialist, I was told it could wait and that the meds were going to "Cure" me. I am going to have to change doctor to be taken seriously.

This is ridiculous! I know there are people out there who are drug seeking, but they tend to be limited to taking opiate based drugs and if that is what my doctor is suspecting with me - he is going to have an interesting shock, the only thing that has worked is the Carbamazepine, and I would like to see how someone could get addicted to these side effects.

I never asked for this, no one ever has. I am 29 - I have kids in my future, I have a career in my future - just like everyone else does here. How do I incorporate this? How do I even get through a job interview when I get majorly distracted, blank minded and just spaz out?

How do I learn to keep calm and lose my anxious side, which seems to make this worse?

And is it ok to use this blog to talk about the TN - my journey and also as a therapeutic device - talking about it seems to reduce the stress levels. I am also starting to feel like I am among friends and people who know what I am talking about here.

Take care of yourselves,

Angel

xxx