Some random thoughts

I was on the bus today and had some random thoughts about my position in life. I think these are the reasons I like taking buses, you get to think, minus the distraction that life in the 21st century tend to offer us, a way in which we can blur our thinking, a way to mask our inner turmoil, to facilitate mindless automoton working day in day out and to keep ourselves only understanding ourselves on a surface level for fear that we uncover something hidden within ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge.

1. I am without a family, drifting and without real anchor.

2. I am a child without parents.

Neither of these are happy thouhgts. The first one happened when thinking about one of my school friends whose mother had passed. I noticed that there was a couple of shelves devoted to her mom and it triggered a thought in me that there should be some place for me to do similarly for both of my parents, which brought up a memory of an actual picture, in my mind of 10 years before my mothers death, it was my parents 25th anniversary my mom and dad sit either side of me and we are all smiling (I guess they felt I was a part of their marriage just as either of them was.)  I then realised that out of three people there is only 1 left. 


The second thought happened after reading and commenting in a community I am in called Clucky. There was a woman who had suffered a miscarriage and was being told that it was no big deal and that it would happen when it was meant to, in reply to her obvious grief. There was a part of me that saw her situation as a flip side to my own, her and her partner are parents without a child, I am a child without parents. I didn't write it. I didn't want to seem condescending or belittle what she felt. But her situation definately triggered some not unwanted thoughts about my situation.

In other thoughts. I watch these psychic medium shows. I suppose on some levels I have bought into what some people may or not be rightly thinking is a con. Its a nice con for me, I don't pay, and I feel reassured that my folks are still about. I carry that on with me.Anyhow there was an interesting point of view on grief expressed, which mirrored a point of view or a way of experiencing my own grief I have been following.

The basic premise is to allow it to become a part of me, not to become a part of me. I allow it to guide my emotions and yet retain a part of me that is sane. Following the insanity that was the grief of my mother (something that took over two years to run course). Its an interesting state of mind I am in. I do cry, this path has allowed me to do so, which was something that in the early weeks of this grief I didn't do it at all. There is a part of me that feels a lot more centred than I have in too long a time. Sometimes, I think we do the hardest thing and fight against something through fear, because we fear the easiest thing, the possibly better thing, will completely subsume us.