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2 years, 4 months ago my mother died. The actual act shocked me out of the grief I felt for the end of an engagement. The events that unfolded that wednesday night were mundane in the extreme. we bought takeout dinner, and were returning, half way home she was out of breath, three quarters of the way home she lent against a car and pitched forth into the ground, never moving to break her fall. The narrative is simple and completely devoid of an emotion. I guess I have never really shown any emotion about it, admitting it would have meant owning the emotions and to do that I would have had to grieve. I don't think at the time I was actually up to that. So scarily I have spent the past 2 ears and 4 months grieving and never really knowing it.
That night, seeing her fall, I was shocked and worried and then I realised the real scope. It leaves you numb, then you panic, then you go numb again then, as a child, you feel and icy cold fear shimmer over you. It never quite leaves, it is a realisation of sorts that you are as alone as it ever gets. Whilse she was being attemptedly resucitated i had flashes of them being successful, then the shutdown feeling of knowing it wasn't going to happen, then you'd cry, then a weird wave of peace, and a realisation that you had a job to do.
The difference in types of death, that of the sick dying and the sudden death is this. You feel relieved in some way when someone has passed from illness, you no longer feel they are in pain, its a near altruistic relief, though it is also relief from seeing suffering. With sudden death there is no such relief, just soo many unanswered questions and regrets that you couldn't spend every waking second with that person. Or maybe that is still my grief showing.
That night, seeing her fall, I was shocked and worried and then I realised the real scope. It leaves you numb, then you panic, then you go numb again then, as a child, you feel and icy cold fear shimmer over you. It never quite leaves, it is a realisation of sorts that you are as alone as it ever gets. Whilse she was being attemptedly resucitated i had flashes of them being successful, then the shutdown feeling of knowing it wasn't going to happen, then you'd cry, then a weird wave of peace, and a realisation that you had a job to do.
The difference in types of death, that of the sick dying and the sudden death is this. You feel relieved in some way when someone has passed from illness, you no longer feel they are in pain, its a near altruistic relief, though it is also relief from seeing suffering. With sudden death there is no such relief, just soo many unanswered questions and regrets that you couldn't spend every waking second with that person. Or maybe that is still my grief showing.
